Feelings of my Past

I always feel like I make you unhappy
Like I'm not fully pleasing you
Its upsetting 'cos I really want to
But I don't know whether I'm capable
of looking after and pleasing you in
the way you desire.

There's always something I'm doing wrong
There's always something I'm being corrected on
I feel like you're expecting me to be
Someone I'm not
Someone I haven't developed into yet
I feel so much pressure on me
And its suffocating
I can't stand not getting things right
And it seems like I'm always getting
it wrong.
Forever being corrected
Forever being judged for what I'm not doing
By you and your close friends.

I feel like I'm being subjected
to this because....
Because I don't know
But it's like I thought I was doing good
And I actually think I did more harm.

In all honesty I think your friends can
look after you far better than I can.
Its evident in the way you talk about them
and the way they look after you.
My name is GABRIELLE... soon to be 20
and truly I think you expect much more of me
then what I actually am
or what I can actually do for you.

Overall I feel like I'm far from
pleasing you,
upsetting you rather.
And that upsets me.
And I don't know whether I
Can carry on feeling like I
have no purpose or no
significance.

You have everything you need
Friends, really good friends who
Love you
And I can't measure up.
I don't think I measure up
I'm trying so hard, I AM.
Its just so hard for me to
show affection through my actions.
And I don't want you to feel like
I'm a burden anymore
I want you to be happy.
Thats my heart desire, for you to be happy.
And I don't think I'm doing that
I don't think I can make you happy.
Maybe I still have some growing to do.
I dont know what it is,
I just want you to be happy.

I wrote this to my ex, never showed it to him though, found it whilst cleaning out my room. Made me sit down and reminisce, brought back memories of exactly what I was going through, exactly what I was feeling... just took me back to a 'Gabrielle' I no longer want to know, took me back to a 'Gabrielle' I buried a while ago. Just thought to share... you know how I do.

- Gabrielle x