Maturity

I think I’m becoming more and more mature everyday. I mean obviously I’m still that goofy, nonsensical girl but I think I’m starting to understand the world. As random as that statement seems I feel like I’ve found my place. I’m not saying that in finding my place I’m pleased with wherever I am now, because that’s not the case. I still have a lot of things to accomplish but I’ve summarised my whole character… and I think I understand why I’m the way I am.

Like, I used to get frustrated with myself, I used to despise my kind nature. I despised it because it was such a natural thing for me to do… be nice. You know for some people it takes a lot more than human nature to be nice to a person. And that’s an issue I was dealing with…. my kindness.

Kindness can be despised… I know that for sure. I despised it because I felt like there were times when I was being taken advantage of… I can’t describe it fully, but I felt like there were things that people did to me that they could not get away with elsewhere. And this was down to my kind nature… I wanted to be tough and unapproachable so that I wouldn’t be taken advantage of. I felt like my kindness was being taken for weakness and I didn’t like it.

Days and years of being nice to people and having my kind gestures thrown back into my face. To tell you the truth it hurt, it hurt so bad I wanted to cut off everybody I spoke to… at one point I did… I stopped talking, stopped socialising, stopped being me. Yes, I was depressed but I felt that by doing what I did I wouldn’t be hurt again.

It worked. It actually worked, but at what price. I had no friends… people would always ask for me and ask about me through my family… because they hadn’t seen me in so long but I didn’t care for them anymore. I’d had enough. My family were my friends, I guess it brought me closer to my siblings but coherently drew me from my friends.

I forgot how to socialise… I didn’t know what to say to a person, I didn’t know what to do. So parties, gatherings, and meetings basically, any event going on where I would have to talk was out of the question. All I would do is nod my head or give people a faint smile.

I thought I was hiding all this but in fact I was being blatantly obvious… such a drastic change from how I used to be. I guess mother’s intuition didn’t help either. My mum knew something was wrong from the get go… this upset me even more because I didn’t think I was showing any signs of withdrawal at home. But I guess I was. And so I confided in her as you do… and I explained how I felt.

Mothers are so wise and to them we owe mostly everything… the real gratitude goes to God obviously. She said to me that I am the way I am, nothing can be done about it. Yes, I might try and change but if that’s not the way God has made me, I can’t possibly change. In as much as I didn’t want to agree with her… I had to. My personality, my kind nature… even better my social ability… however much has been affected by society, still won’t defer me from being the way God made me. I refer back to that notion any time I’m upset…. well it helps me. I think I’m becoming more and more mature every day……


- Gabrielle

My Emotions

I can only write about what I’m feeling, only truly express my emotions concerning an important matter. I’ve done some soul searching, been in constant thought about my future, and finally, after all my deep moments I can come to the conclusion that maybe its not necessary to know every single thing that’s going to happen in your future. Its not necessary to try and plan every little detail, because simply and truly not everything is going to run as clockwork… that’s just the way life is.

He came yesterday, after how many months of waiting for him to arrive. I don’t believe in love at first sight but when I saw him, I knew something had to happen between us, if we just became friends, or we became partners… I knew something had to happen. Its so hard to explain. When I used to see guys I used to get this weird feeling in my stomach and that used to happen when they were really cute, or when I hadn’t seen a guy I liked in ages or something, now… that doesn’t happen. Its like all those feelings I used to have, they’ve disappeared. But its like if I see a guy now, I can acknowledge how cute he is without being phased; I just go about my business, back to normal. But as soon as I saw HIM, its like my whole body just exhaled, I felt at peace… weird I know, if only I could make you guys feel exactly what I’m talking about.

But its like now I can see a guy and actually connect with him, beyond words or touching or whatever, that’s what happened with ‘him’. When I can jus look at this ‘guy’ and feel like there’s no one else in the room, or when this guy smiles and its like I would do anything to see that smile again, or when he says something and I dote on every word, or even when I look at him just once but yet seem to take in all his features. I don’t know whether this is real, it could just be affection from my side but can you imagine how blissful life is for those so deeply connected. It’s like everything could be going wrong for you at that moment, but seeing that person makes everything better. I don’t know whether this will become of anything, this might be the first and last meeting between us, all I know is my view of love has changed… and it doesn’t seem as bad as I used to think.

It took so long for him to come, but in a way I’m happy it did. He text me after our meeting … he felt the same way I did, it just makes it that much more meaningful.

- Gabrielle