Maturity

I think I’m becoming more and more mature everyday. I mean obviously I’m still that goofy, nonsensical girl but I think I’m starting to understand the world. As random as that statement seems I feel like I’ve found my place. I’m not saying that in finding my place I’m pleased with wherever I am now, because that’s not the case. I still have a lot of things to accomplish but I’ve summarised my whole character… and I think I understand why I’m the way I am.

Like, I used to get frustrated with myself, I used to despise my kind nature. I despised it because it was such a natural thing for me to do… be nice. You know for some people it takes a lot more than human nature to be nice to a person. And that’s an issue I was dealing with…. my kindness.

Kindness can be despised… I know that for sure. I despised it because I felt like there were times when I was being taken advantage of… I can’t describe it fully, but I felt like there were things that people did to me that they could not get away with elsewhere. And this was down to my kind nature… I wanted to be tough and unapproachable so that I wouldn’t be taken advantage of. I felt like my kindness was being taken for weakness and I didn’t like it.

Days and years of being nice to people and having my kind gestures thrown back into my face. To tell you the truth it hurt, it hurt so bad I wanted to cut off everybody I spoke to… at one point I did… I stopped talking, stopped socialising, stopped being me. Yes, I was depressed but I felt that by doing what I did I wouldn’t be hurt again.

It worked. It actually worked, but at what price. I had no friends… people would always ask for me and ask about me through my family… because they hadn’t seen me in so long but I didn’t care for them anymore. I’d had enough. My family were my friends, I guess it brought me closer to my siblings but coherently drew me from my friends.

I forgot how to socialise… I didn’t know what to say to a person, I didn’t know what to do. So parties, gatherings, and meetings basically, any event going on where I would have to talk was out of the question. All I would do is nod my head or give people a faint smile.

I thought I was hiding all this but in fact I was being blatantly obvious… such a drastic change from how I used to be. I guess mother’s intuition didn’t help either. My mum knew something was wrong from the get go… this upset me even more because I didn’t think I was showing any signs of withdrawal at home. But I guess I was. And so I confided in her as you do… and I explained how I felt.

Mothers are so wise and to them we owe mostly everything… the real gratitude goes to God obviously. She said to me that I am the way I am, nothing can be done about it. Yes, I might try and change but if that’s not the way God has made me, I can’t possibly change. In as much as I didn’t want to agree with her… I had to. My personality, my kind nature… even better my social ability… however much has been affected by society, still won’t defer me from being the way God made me. I refer back to that notion any time I’m upset…. well it helps me. I think I’m becoming more and more mature every day……


- Gabrielle