Deep Down

I’ve wanted to write on the site for a while but to no avail. Things have been happening to me but I just didn’t have the desire to write about it, there are some things I wanted to keep private and in the portrayal of myself being an independent young lady in this blog, it further disturbed me to write anything negative or depressing, I really wanted to upkeep my readers’ perceptions of me and I didn’t think sharing my weak moments would do that. Honestly, my moments of weakness distress me and I just couldn't bear to share. I only wanted to ever show the ‘Gabrielle’ that is confident, brave, outspoken, feisty; I didn’t want to share the side of me that experiences moments of loneliness, sadness, indecisiveness, basically the moments when I’m in a ‘funk’… but I’ve decided to share my thoughts at such a time, I mean writing could help me try and understand why I feel like this.

‘I’m cursed, with loving you baby,
It hurts ‘cos you’ll never know it
I was put here to hopelessly love you
You ain’t thinking bout me
That’s the torture I go through’

Words of Vivian Green ‘cursed’, I’ve put it on repeat, and even though I’ve listened to this song like a million times before, it’s only now that I’m understanding what she’s saying. Before I was just singing the lyrics because it sounded good, now when I sing the lyrics I mean every word I say because I’m going through it, I’m experiencing the ‘hurt’ that most singers talk about in their slow jam sessions firsthand and it hurts because I think I love him, I actually think I love him yet despite that he’ll never know how I feel.

I think about him all the time, I can’t help it; I try and reminisce on all the conversations we’ve had just so I can think about him more. I think about the future we could have together, the many memories we could share, then out of nowhere I snap out of my daydreams and crash back to reality. I hate that moment. It’s like I’m in total happiness, it’s so surreal, then that joy is taken from me when I start to think about the real situation and there’s nothing I can do about it. I stare at his name in my phone for what seems like ages, re-read the texts he’s sent me and try to save the voicemails he’s left me for as long as possible, then it dawns on me that I need to get over him. I need to forget about him, if I can’t be with him I doubt I’ll move on. The fact that I like him so much is probably the reason why I can’t commit to other guys, why I can’t picture myself in a relationship or even getting married. My feelings for him run so deep, I’ve liked him for so long and I’m tired. I want this chapter of my life to close, its been such a hindrance to any progression in my love life, the fact that I can't be with him doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t move on with my life but its like my heart doesn’t want to know. I can’t even think about committing to anyone else, the thought alone makes me sick and that’s only because I’ve pictured myself with him for so long that I don’t know anything else.

So I’m in one of those moods, I don’t know whether to call him and just come out with it, (but that poses so many risks to me that I’m not willing to take) or stay silent. Yes, I could tell him that I like him, (well, its much more than ‘like’ now but I’ve got to play it cool) but that presents the risk of him telling me he likes me ‘just as a friend’, I cant take that, I haven’t pictured him as a friend, but as my partner, my companion, my best friend, my soul mate. I can’t describe the feeling I get when I think about the situation, it’s like my heart literally sinks, I can tell it’s not happy, but what do I do? I’m not ready to come clean about the way I feel about him because I don’t want to lose him totally but I know one of these days I am going to lose him. Its like everyday I’m waiting, waiting with baited breath because I know sooner or later he’s going to tell me he’s found ‘the one’ and it won’t be me. That he’ll introduce me to her and all I’ll be thinking is ‘she isn’t right for you’, that he’ll get married and whilst he’s moving on with his life, I’ll still be there hoping that he realises that he’s made a mistake. But see, I don’t want to get to a point in my life where I look around and everyone’s settled apart from me, that’s why I want to make amends now, I guess my constant thinking about it has driven me to be in this ‘funk’, I don’t know how its going to turn out but whatever happens, its all a part of my productive future right? Oh, I hope so… I really do.

- Gabrielle