Press play...
Music Video Codes By Music.com
- Ms TooFly
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Friday, September 22, 2006
Untitled..Part 3
Kevin listened as I phoned Max on his mobile. Sobbing, I told him the wedding was off. This was it...at long last.
"It's just jitters...We can fix any problems" Max repeated, so much so that I finally said "ok". The Courage I thought was there was beginning to fade fast. And putting down the phone, I fell into Kevins arms and sought solace in ?? The next morning Kevin left for work, looking dazed with silent defeat. I felt the same as I got ready to have my nails done. Then I put on my long white lace dress and left for Wandsworth Register Office. I cast my eyes down as I vowed to be faithful to the man I'd already betrayed. As I said my "I do's" the image of Kevin appearing and saving me replayed in my mind.
Max seemed to glow with joy, while I just wanted to run.... But it was too late. At the reception I just wanted scream and end my "happy bride" charade. Instead I snuck off and phoned Kevins mobile, "Why did you go through with it?" he yelled."Don't hate me" I replied, then I left my own reception.
Back home I found Kevin crying in the living room. "I'm leaving", he said. "Your life is with Max now." "No, you can't!" I screamed, panicking. "I'll tell him..." So I went back to the reception, but seeing Max's joy, I just returned his caresses with my own guilt-ridden Judas kiss.
Finally, when we arrived home, Kevin was gone. Max took me upstairs, we sat on our bed and he placed the softest kiss on my neck.
How could he be so happy, so innocent?? I'd lost everything that meant anything to me. Now so would Max.
"I'm seeing someone else," I blurted. "We had sex last night". "What?" Max flinched. He looked almost disbelieving, but the expression on my face told him I wasn't lying.
"Who?"
"Kevin", I whispered.
"How could you?" he erupted in sudden anger. But even he now realised the depth of my sordid deceit. Not only was Kevin my lover but I had bodly moved him into our home. Speechless with rage and grief, he stormed out and I wept with guilt at hurting him. As stupid as it sounds marrying Max had finally made it clear that it was Kevin I loved. So I rushed to phone him, "Max is gone". "I dont believe you," Kevin snapped hanging up the phone.
And that night, my wedding night, for the first time in months, I spent it sleeping alone. The next day I was bombarded with furious phone calls from my friends and family ashamed of my behaviour. Shamefully my only response was sorry. But when Max called I didn't answer. Instead, I rang Kevin, craving his touch...no reply. I'd lost them both.
- SistaLova
"It's just jitters...We can fix any problems" Max repeated, so much so that I finally said "ok". The Courage I thought was there was beginning to fade fast. And putting down the phone, I fell into Kevins arms and sought solace in ?? The next morning Kevin left for work, looking dazed with silent defeat. I felt the same as I got ready to have my nails done. Then I put on my long white lace dress and left for Wandsworth Register Office. I cast my eyes down as I vowed to be faithful to the man I'd already betrayed. As I said my "I do's" the image of Kevin appearing and saving me replayed in my mind.
Max seemed to glow with joy, while I just wanted to run.... But it was too late. At the reception I just wanted scream and end my "happy bride" charade. Instead I snuck off and phoned Kevins mobile, "Why did you go through with it?" he yelled."Don't hate me" I replied, then I left my own reception.
Back home I found Kevin crying in the living room. "I'm leaving", he said. "Your life is with Max now." "No, you can't!" I screamed, panicking. "I'll tell him..." So I went back to the reception, but seeing Max's joy, I just returned his caresses with my own guilt-ridden Judas kiss.
Finally, when we arrived home, Kevin was gone. Max took me upstairs, we sat on our bed and he placed the softest kiss on my neck.
How could he be so happy, so innocent?? I'd lost everything that meant anything to me. Now so would Max.
"I'm seeing someone else," I blurted. "We had sex last night". "What?" Max flinched. He looked almost disbelieving, but the expression on my face told him I wasn't lying.
"Who?"
"Kevin", I whispered.
"How could you?" he erupted in sudden anger. But even he now realised the depth of my sordid deceit. Not only was Kevin my lover but I had bodly moved him into our home. Speechless with rage and grief, he stormed out and I wept with guilt at hurting him. As stupid as it sounds marrying Max had finally made it clear that it was Kevin I loved. So I rushed to phone him, "Max is gone". "I dont believe you," Kevin snapped hanging up the phone.
And that night, my wedding night, for the first time in months, I spent it sleeping alone. The next day I was bombarded with furious phone calls from my friends and family ashamed of my behaviour. Shamefully my only response was sorry. But when Max called I didn't answer. Instead, I rang Kevin, craving his touch...no reply. I'd lost them both.
- SistaLova
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Untitled.. Part 2
"I love you, SL...leave Max". "I'll call off the wedding" I promised. Yet each time I returned to my loving fiance, I was just too weak. So I chose not to choose. Switching off guilt, I abandoned myself to this madness.
A month before the wedding I was driving with Kevin, when I realised I'd left my credit card at home. "We'll call in and collect it....I'll tell Max you're my cousin." (I know, I know your thinking what a complete bitch, well...yes.)
Anyway my family was huge and Max was so trusting, I knew he'd believe me. Sure enough..."nice to meet you," Max smiled. Kevin grinned as they chatted, and so did I. I'd got away with it! Two weeks on, Kevin was having problems with his living arrangements and needed a new place to stay, the solution was obvious. "Stay with us," I said "We can't do that...its not right" kevin said shocked. I pleaded with him, terrified that if he did'nt have anywhere to stay, he'd leave London. Reluctantly Kevin agreed. Then I asked Max if he could have the spare room..."of course" he said.
Poor, innocent and naive. He had no idea the moment he left for work, Kevin would slip into our still warm bed and make love to me. But how was he to know? we still slept together and in a few weeks, we'd be celebrating our love on a romantic honeymoon in Fiji. Every day that passed, my nerves got worse. Max even invited Kevin to our wedding. "I'm sorry, I've got to work,". Later, he cornered me. "You've got to call off the wedding," he said. "We can't do this to Max." But it had gone on for too long and I was terrified of owning up now. "I can't do it," I sighed. Instead, I daydreamt about Kevin turning up at the ceremony and stopping the proceedings.
The eve of our wedding seemed to come around suddenly. Max kissed me goodbye. He was spending the night at his mum's,leaving Kevin and I alone. "See you at the altar," Max smiled to me... "Love you". As the door shut I replied "Me too".
Then a long, charged silence fell between Kevin and I. We were all alone. I broke down and with the tears came the courage I should of had weeks earlier. "I've got to tell Max I cant go through with it".
- SistaLova
A month before the wedding I was driving with Kevin, when I realised I'd left my credit card at home. "We'll call in and collect it....I'll tell Max you're my cousin." (I know, I know your thinking what a complete bitch, well...yes.)
Anyway my family was huge and Max was so trusting, I knew he'd believe me. Sure enough..."nice to meet you," Max smiled. Kevin grinned as they chatted, and so did I. I'd got away with it! Two weeks on, Kevin was having problems with his living arrangements and needed a new place to stay, the solution was obvious. "Stay with us," I said "We can't do that...its not right" kevin said shocked. I pleaded with him, terrified that if he did'nt have anywhere to stay, he'd leave London. Reluctantly Kevin agreed. Then I asked Max if he could have the spare room..."of course" he said.
Poor, innocent and naive. He had no idea the moment he left for work, Kevin would slip into our still warm bed and make love to me. But how was he to know? we still slept together and in a few weeks, we'd be celebrating our love on a romantic honeymoon in Fiji. Every day that passed, my nerves got worse. Max even invited Kevin to our wedding. "I'm sorry, I've got to work,". Later, he cornered me. "You've got to call off the wedding," he said. "We can't do this to Max." But it had gone on for too long and I was terrified of owning up now. "I can't do it," I sighed. Instead, I daydreamt about Kevin turning up at the ceremony and stopping the proceedings.
The eve of our wedding seemed to come around suddenly. Max kissed me goodbye. He was spending the night at his mum's,leaving Kevin and I alone. "See you at the altar," Max smiled to me... "Love you". As the door shut I replied "Me too".
Then a long, charged silence fell between Kevin and I. We were all alone. I broke down and with the tears came the courage I should of had weeks earlier. "I've got to tell Max I cant go through with it".
- SistaLova
Monday, September 11, 2006
Deep Down
I’ve wanted to write on the site for a while but to no avail. Things have been happening to me but I just didn’t have the desire to write about it, there are some things I wanted to keep private and in the portrayal of myself being an independent young lady in this blog, it further disturbed me to write anything negative or depressing, I really wanted to upkeep my readers’ perceptions of me and I didn’t think sharing my weak moments would do that. Honestly, my moments of weakness distress me and I just couldn't bear to share. I only wanted to ever show the ‘Gabrielle’ that is confident, brave, outspoken, feisty; I didn’t want to share the side of me that experiences moments of loneliness, sadness, indecisiveness, basically the moments when I’m in a ‘funk’… but I’ve decided to share my thoughts at such a time, I mean writing could help me try and understand why I feel like this.
‘I’m cursed, with loving you baby,
It hurts ‘cos you’ll never know it
I was put here to hopelessly love you
You ain’t thinking bout me
That’s the torture I go through’
Words of Vivian Green ‘cursed’, I’ve put it on repeat, and even though I’ve listened to this song like a million times before, it’s only now that I’m understanding what she’s saying. Before I was just singing the lyrics because it sounded good, now when I sing the lyrics I mean every word I say because I’m going through it, I’m experiencing the ‘hurt’ that most singers talk about in their slow jam sessions firsthand and it hurts because I think I love him, I actually think I love him yet despite that he’ll never know how I feel.
I think about him all the time, I can’t help it; I try and reminisce on all the conversations we’ve had just so I can think about him more. I think about the future we could have together, the many memories we could share, then out of nowhere I snap out of my daydreams and crash back to reality. I hate that moment. It’s like I’m in total happiness, it’s so surreal, then that joy is taken from me when I start to think about the real situation and there’s nothing I can do about it. I stare at his name in my phone for what seems like ages, re-read the texts he’s sent me and try to save the voicemails he’s left me for as long as possible, then it dawns on me that I need to get over him. I need to forget about him, if I can’t be with him I doubt I’ll move on. The fact that I like him so much is probably the reason why I can’t commit to other guys, why I can’t picture myself in a relationship or even getting married. My feelings for him run so deep, I’ve liked him for so long and I’m tired. I want this chapter of my life to close, its been such a hindrance to any progression in my love life, the fact that I can't be with him doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t move on with my life but its like my heart doesn’t want to know. I can’t even think about committing to anyone else, the thought alone makes me sick and that’s only because I’ve pictured myself with him for so long that I don’t know anything else.
So I’m in one of those moods, I don’t know whether to call him and just come out with it, (but that poses so many risks to me that I’m not willing to take) or stay silent. Yes, I could tell him that I like him, (well, its much more than ‘like’ now but I’ve got to play it cool) but that presents the risk of him telling me he likes me ‘just as a friend’, I cant take that, I haven’t pictured him as a friend, but as my partner, my companion, my best friend, my soul mate. I can’t describe the feeling I get when I think about the situation, it’s like my heart literally sinks, I can tell it’s not happy, but what do I do? I’m not ready to come clean about the way I feel about him because I don’t want to lose him totally but I know one of these days I am going to lose him. Its like everyday I’m waiting, waiting with baited breath because I know sooner or later he’s going to tell me he’s found ‘the one’ and it won’t be me. That he’ll introduce me to her and all I’ll be thinking is ‘she isn’t right for you’, that he’ll get married and whilst he’s moving on with his life, I’ll still be there hoping that he realises that he’s made a mistake. But see, I don’t want to get to a point in my life where I look around and everyone’s settled apart from me, that’s why I want to make amends now, I guess my constant thinking about it has driven me to be in this ‘funk’, I don’t know how its going to turn out but whatever happens, its all a part of my productive future right? Oh, I hope so… I really do.
- Gabrielle
‘I’m cursed, with loving you baby,
It hurts ‘cos you’ll never know it
I was put here to hopelessly love you
You ain’t thinking bout me
That’s the torture I go through’
Words of Vivian Green ‘cursed’, I’ve put it on repeat, and even though I’ve listened to this song like a million times before, it’s only now that I’m understanding what she’s saying. Before I was just singing the lyrics because it sounded good, now when I sing the lyrics I mean every word I say because I’m going through it, I’m experiencing the ‘hurt’ that most singers talk about in their slow jam sessions firsthand and it hurts because I think I love him, I actually think I love him yet despite that he’ll never know how I feel.
I think about him all the time, I can’t help it; I try and reminisce on all the conversations we’ve had just so I can think about him more. I think about the future we could have together, the many memories we could share, then out of nowhere I snap out of my daydreams and crash back to reality. I hate that moment. It’s like I’m in total happiness, it’s so surreal, then that joy is taken from me when I start to think about the real situation and there’s nothing I can do about it. I stare at his name in my phone for what seems like ages, re-read the texts he’s sent me and try to save the voicemails he’s left me for as long as possible, then it dawns on me that I need to get over him. I need to forget about him, if I can’t be with him I doubt I’ll move on. The fact that I like him so much is probably the reason why I can’t commit to other guys, why I can’t picture myself in a relationship or even getting married. My feelings for him run so deep, I’ve liked him for so long and I’m tired. I want this chapter of my life to close, its been such a hindrance to any progression in my love life, the fact that I can't be with him doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t move on with my life but its like my heart doesn’t want to know. I can’t even think about committing to anyone else, the thought alone makes me sick and that’s only because I’ve pictured myself with him for so long that I don’t know anything else.
So I’m in one of those moods, I don’t know whether to call him and just come out with it, (but that poses so many risks to me that I’m not willing to take) or stay silent. Yes, I could tell him that I like him, (well, its much more than ‘like’ now but I’ve got to play it cool) but that presents the risk of him telling me he likes me ‘just as a friend’, I cant take that, I haven’t pictured him as a friend, but as my partner, my companion, my best friend, my soul mate. I can’t describe the feeling I get when I think about the situation, it’s like my heart literally sinks, I can tell it’s not happy, but what do I do? I’m not ready to come clean about the way I feel about him because I don’t want to lose him totally but I know one of these days I am going to lose him. Its like everyday I’m waiting, waiting with baited breath because I know sooner or later he’s going to tell me he’s found ‘the one’ and it won’t be me. That he’ll introduce me to her and all I’ll be thinking is ‘she isn’t right for you’, that he’ll get married and whilst he’s moving on with his life, I’ll still be there hoping that he realises that he’s made a mistake. But see, I don’t want to get to a point in my life where I look around and everyone’s settled apart from me, that’s why I want to make amends now, I guess my constant thinking about it has driven me to be in this ‘funk’, I don’t know how its going to turn out but whatever happens, its all a part of my productive future right? Oh, I hope so… I really do.
- Gabrielle
Friday, September 08, 2006
Untitled.. Part I
Tumbling into bed and making passionate love, I felt as hot and sultry as the air around us. "you're gorgeous", Kevin panted. "So are you", I moaned. Wasn't this the perfect ending to the perfect holiday? Because I was a 19 year old student from North London, and i'd met Kevin on a two and half month holiday while visting my aunt on the beautiful, sunkissed island of Trinidad.
Kevin was 30 and although there was a substantial age difference it was never an issue. He worked in a bank and was planning on emigrating to London himself soon. We met on the beach, spending most of our time swimming or with him showing me the hottest nightclubs in town.
Four days before I was due to fly home, we were at Kevins two bedroom apartment. What started out as a simple meal ended with us sharing our first steamy night together...after that moment of passion I sat up from Kevin and began to cry. Confusion whirled inside me like a tornado, picking emotions and putting them in places they didnt belong.
what was i doing??...what about Maxwell??...I'm engaged!
Maxwell was the same age as me. He was sweet, funny and charming you know, the guy you want to take home to meet mum. Well, he was waiting for me back at our home in London. We were together for two years and our wedding was only seven months away. I told Kevin that I had someone back home. But he did'nt care and just told me that I was the only one for him and only he could truly sweep me off my feet, and in the time we were together he really did.
But even so, I dried my eyes and put my clothes back on in the knowledge that Maxwell was the one I was going to marry. So there was no guilt. I'd go back home, pretend this naughty "little blip" had never happened.
When I got back home it was clear Max had missed me as he tried to tempt to bed, I hesitated..."whats wrong?" he asked. "I'm tired," I lied. Truth was I just could'nt shake the thoughts of Kevin and that night. But I really wanted to forget him and move on with my future husband, so I threw myself into creating the perfect wedding. Four weeks on, i was driving when my phone rang....Kevin. "Im moving to London in three months, can we meet?" I dont think I even let him finish asking me before I said yes. Suddenly I wanted him more than ever, I wanted him so badly it scared me. I knew that I should'nt, mustn't....we'll just be friends, I convinced myself.
So when we met, that desire sprang back to life. "You look great" he smiled, his feelings hadn't changed either. I tried to maintain some distance, making smalll talk about Kevins shared flat and my wedding plans. Yet as I went to go back to Max, Kevin pleaded for us to meet again. "OK", I mummbled...what can I say, I was weak...a coward even, too cowardly to say NO or tell Max I was having doubts about getting hitched. I continued to secretly meet Kevin and our sexually charged conversations led to us picking up from that night in Trinidad. As cruel as it sounds when I was with Kevin any thoughts of Max simply disappeared in the shadows.
- SistaLova
Kevin was 30 and although there was a substantial age difference it was never an issue. He worked in a bank and was planning on emigrating to London himself soon. We met on the beach, spending most of our time swimming or with him showing me the hottest nightclubs in town.
Four days before I was due to fly home, we were at Kevins two bedroom apartment. What started out as a simple meal ended with us sharing our first steamy night together...after that moment of passion I sat up from Kevin and began to cry. Confusion whirled inside me like a tornado, picking emotions and putting them in places they didnt belong.
what was i doing??...what about Maxwell??...I'm engaged!
Maxwell was the same age as me. He was sweet, funny and charming you know, the guy you want to take home to meet mum. Well, he was waiting for me back at our home in London. We were together for two years and our wedding was only seven months away. I told Kevin that I had someone back home. But he did'nt care and just told me that I was the only one for him and only he could truly sweep me off my feet, and in the time we were together he really did.
But even so, I dried my eyes and put my clothes back on in the knowledge that Maxwell was the one I was going to marry. So there was no guilt. I'd go back home, pretend this naughty "little blip" had never happened.
When I got back home it was clear Max had missed me as he tried to tempt to bed, I hesitated..."whats wrong?" he asked. "I'm tired," I lied. Truth was I just could'nt shake the thoughts of Kevin and that night. But I really wanted to forget him and move on with my future husband, so I threw myself into creating the perfect wedding. Four weeks on, i was driving when my phone rang....Kevin. "Im moving to London in three months, can we meet?" I dont think I even let him finish asking me before I said yes. Suddenly I wanted him more than ever, I wanted him so badly it scared me. I knew that I should'nt, mustn't....we'll just be friends, I convinced myself.
So when we met, that desire sprang back to life. "You look great" he smiled, his feelings hadn't changed either. I tried to maintain some distance, making smalll talk about Kevins shared flat and my wedding plans. Yet as I went to go back to Max, Kevin pleaded for us to meet again. "OK", I mummbled...what can I say, I was weak...a coward even, too cowardly to say NO or tell Max I was having doubts about getting hitched. I continued to secretly meet Kevin and our sexually charged conversations led to us picking up from that night in Trinidad. As cruel as it sounds when I was with Kevin any thoughts of Max simply disappeared in the shadows.
- SistaLova
Monday, September 04, 2006
Writing Is Therapy...
Life has been...a bit of a bitch lately, making it hard for me to write something that makes sense and not like a crazy black woman. So excuse me while i have a "moment" to vent.
How did we end up here again?
Seems like arriving here is becoming a trend
In this situation we just can’t win
All good at the beginning . . . fucked up at the end
Two hearts are now broken just because they wouldn’t bend
You could of been my one true love
But right now I dont even want you as a friend
This time round I refuse to contemplate shoulda woulda coulda been’s
And play each other’s heartstrings like violins
Simply put...
My patience with this is wearing thin
And this chapter has now come to its natural end.
* Gabrielle you were right, I feel better already.
- SistaLova
How did we end up here again?
Seems like arriving here is becoming a trend
In this situation we just can’t win
All good at the beginning . . . fucked up at the end
Two hearts are now broken just because they wouldn’t bend
You could of been my one true love
But right now I dont even want you as a friend
This time round I refuse to contemplate shoulda woulda coulda been’s
And play each other’s heartstrings like violins
Simply put...
My patience with this is wearing thin
And this chapter has now come to its natural end.
* Gabrielle you were right, I feel better already.
- SistaLova
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
