A while ago I was suffering from "writers block" (like i always do!...lol) and a really good friend told me to write as if i was in love. I thought he was crazy, but it worked. Thanks "bruv"!
Today I poured my soul into the air . . .
Trying to compose words to describe exactly how I feel about you
I sat all morning trying to find a way to explain it . . .
And every time I thought I had it . . .
I realised that it was probably something you had heard before . . .
But, what I feel is different . . .
Words would be too weak to describe feelings this strong.
I've sat here trying to rearrange the fragments of my heart
Into something meaningful that you could wrap your mind around
You have to know that I have never experienced an emotion such as this
One that leaves me speechless
And all I can do is talk around it . . . and not about it
How can I possibly write down this emotion?
What language can really express the impression you have made upon me?
I've sat here trying to capture the phrases and sentences
That could get through to you how out of everybody in the world
You are the only person that has ever been necessary to me
I guess I could tell you that you're my first . . . my last . . .my best . . . my only
I guess I could say how I've known from the beginning that you are all I need . . .
How it was an overload of all my senses when I met you
How cupid didn't just hit me with one of his little arrows
But instead, hit me with a blast of knowledge that you were IT for me
And I KNEW . . .
And I still know . . .
Normally I would think this was impossible if it was'nt happening to me
This feeling is that powerful, that amazing, that strong, and that deep
To put it simply . . . I love you
And those are not just words
They are an expression, an oath, and a promise . . .
They are everything
And I hope and pray that they are enough.
- SistaLova
Monday, November 20, 2006
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Random thoughts!
• I want to find him, I know he’s out there
• Why do people call you the most when you’re trying to sleep?
• I wanna move, I’m thinking Venice
• My younger siblings are growing up and I’m not around to see it
• I really love my mum. I think I would go crazy (literally) if anything
happened to her. God forbid.
• I’m broke!
• I think my best friend is going to get married before me
• I realised I have this instinct to want to please people even if it really
inconveniences me.
• I want chocolate, scratch that I just want some food. Been real hungry
recently.
• The relationship between my dad and I is becoming more and more distant by
the day. I could not talk to him for months and I wouldn’t feel anything. Is
that bad?
• I love my fellow AfroDivas, seriously! Imagine out of the 20yrs I’ve been on
this earth, its only a few months ago that I met ladies that complement my
views, people I feel really comfortable with.
• Is it weird for me to acknowledge when a girl is pretty? I dunno I just have
to look at them. I can’t help it. Lol.
• I can’t hold eye contact with people I truly care about. Guys that I like or
if I feel really guilty about something.
• You think people recognise how important I am when they see me – I mean do
people analyse how important you must be and respond to you on a scale of 1
to 10 (10 being the most important). When I feel some people talk to me like
I’m on scale 1.
• Ok I’m feeling sorry for myself now.
• I’m leaning towards the younger guys – am I a cradle snatcher? Lol. Oh well!
I don’t care, its better to get some than none at all.
• LMAO! Oh you know I ain’t getting none, AARGH my life. (B.F. Why are you
laughing at me?)
• My best friend thinks I’m gonna come out the closet soon.
• I like 2 guys at work, but I don’t know whether I really like them or I’m
trying to keep myself occupied.
• Thoughts of my ex disgusts me. I shudder when I think about me and him.
Why did I get in that relationship?
• You know I like you right – you just do certain things to annoy me. I know
you don’t like me like that, its something I’m going to have to deal with.
• I want a car. God provide me with a car – not no banger though. I want to
ride in style.
• You think we could really be like GIRLFRIENDS, you know that would be sooo
cool, like AARGH so cool. Even if we were still based here, but everyone
had their own thing going on. Life is but a dream.
• I could go on all day, I actually think too much. Back to my hustle,
studying and working.
• I need a sugar daddy! OK, change that to 'I would like', it's hard being so
independent.
- Gabrielle
• Why do people call you the most when you’re trying to sleep?
• I wanna move, I’m thinking Venice
• My younger siblings are growing up and I’m not around to see it
• I really love my mum. I think I would go crazy (literally) if anything
happened to her. God forbid.
• I’m broke!
• I think my best friend is going to get married before me
• I realised I have this instinct to want to please people even if it really
inconveniences me.
• I want chocolate, scratch that I just want some food. Been real hungry
recently.
• The relationship between my dad and I is becoming more and more distant by
the day. I could not talk to him for months and I wouldn’t feel anything. Is
that bad?
• I love my fellow AfroDivas, seriously! Imagine out of the 20yrs I’ve been on
this earth, its only a few months ago that I met ladies that complement my
views, people I feel really comfortable with.
• Is it weird for me to acknowledge when a girl is pretty? I dunno I just have
to look at them. I can’t help it. Lol.
• I can’t hold eye contact with people I truly care about. Guys that I like or
if I feel really guilty about something.
• You think people recognise how important I am when they see me – I mean do
people analyse how important you must be and respond to you on a scale of 1
to 10 (10 being the most important). When I feel some people talk to me like
I’m on scale 1.
• Ok I’m feeling sorry for myself now.
• I’m leaning towards the younger guys – am I a cradle snatcher? Lol. Oh well!
I don’t care, its better to get some than none at all.
• LMAO! Oh you know I ain’t getting none, AARGH my life. (B.F. Why are you
laughing at me?)
• My best friend thinks I’m gonna come out the closet soon.
• I like 2 guys at work, but I don’t know whether I really like them or I’m
trying to keep myself occupied.
• Thoughts of my ex disgusts me. I shudder when I think about me and him.
Why did I get in that relationship?
• You know I like you right – you just do certain things to annoy me. I know
you don’t like me like that, its something I’m going to have to deal with.
• I want a car. God provide me with a car – not no banger though. I want to
ride in style.
• You think we could really be like GIRLFRIENDS, you know that would be sooo
cool, like AARGH so cool. Even if we were still based here, but everyone
had their own thing going on. Life is but a dream.
• I could go on all day, I actually think too much. Back to my hustle,
studying and working.
• I need a sugar daddy! OK, change that to 'I would like', it's hard being so
independent.
- Gabrielle
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Soon Come...
Hey people It been a while since I posted anything on here, and since a few of you like my other story "Untitled" I thought of writing another one...enjoy!
Rewinding the moments back to when I saw him earlier that day. He met me outside of my 2 p.m. chemistry lecture. At first I thought he was there waiting for someone else. I mean, he was one of the most "on point brothas" on campus and while I had my own selection of admirers, he was a cut above the rest. 6'3, a body carved straight out of the mold of an African warrior with skin as dark and edible as Godiva chocolates and the whitest teeth I think I'd ever seen on a human being...wow
and he was waiting there at the entrance of my class. For me.
"Hey Lauren," he said as I walked up to him.
"Hey Ashley," I replied using all the strength in my body to remain cool even though everything in me was shivering, right down to my liver.
"Can I walk you to your next class?"
*HELL YEAH!
"sure."
So we're walking and I'm looking at him on the sly, stealing pieces of his fine form to store away in my mind for those days when eye candy is lacking and I need a reminder of perfection.
I never imagined what would be happening roughly ten hours later.
we hadn't spoken much during the walk to class, mainly small talk about the weather and such. It was obvious to me that he was slightly challenged in the mental department. But eh, I was young and shallow and really didn't give a shit about his conversational skills. It was just nice being escorted across campus by one of the most sought after guys there. I was wearing him like a rapper wears ice around their neck, flaunting him in front of the females like he was ten carats. Just waiting for the girls to whisper among themselves about how big and flawless that diamond was on my arm.
Yeah, yeah...it was that ridiculous.
Anywhoo, after he walked me to my next class I didn't see him until later that evening. It was about 9 p.m and I was in my dorm room playing blackjack with the boys and the phone rang.
"Come, jam over at mine...i'll meet you downstairs to walk you over."
*Hmmm...I see, "jam" eh?
"O.K."
He had me pinned up against the wall and was kissing me like he had been locked up and hadnt seen a woman in years. The lighting was dim except for the lone street light casting a weak ray of light onto the space from about fifty yards away. His body was pushed up against mine. we were kissing feverishly, running our hands over each other like water, making sure to touch upon every inch of each other as we grasped, squeezed and caressed each other for what seemed like hours but was really only for a few minutes.
I heard a soft whimper, it sort of sounded like a wounded dog. My head was spinning and he wasn't letting me come up for air so I broke off the kiss with a gasp. I glanced up as his silhouette, wondering if that noise had come from him. But he simply showed me his perfect smile and said nothing.
We finally reached his dorm room and proceeded to undress each other, I heard the whimper again. It sounded like a dying dog or something, high and squeaky. Ashley's half dressed body started trembling around me, It scared the SHIT out of me. And unlike the first time this sound was LOUD, like it was a woman AND her dog getting stabbed multiple times. After a akward moment or two he whispered...
"sorry"
So Im staring at his 6'3, edible african warrior frame and wondering how he could sound like an elderly woman and her little poodle being chased by a killer when he "reaches" and how he managed to "reach" without anything happening. As we walked back to my dorm in complete silence I wonder if maybe I imagined it. Then I stole a look at him and saw his embarrassment and knew I hadn't. The next question in my mind was how exactly were we gonna act around each other.
uh, I found out the answer to that the next day.
So im in my last class of the day unable to concentrate as im still reflecting on last nights action or lack thereof. When my phone vibrates in my pocket...its a message from Chantel my longest and closet friend. Asking if we could meet up. I reply back telling her to meet me at The Set, our favourite spot. It had a cozy atmosphere, featured a mixture of different people and had great food. The perfect place to catch up on some girly gossip. Chantel knew everything about everybody and although she could use this to her advantage she didnt, it just was'nt in her to go behind peoples backs. I guess thats why we were so close I knew that she could always keep a secret.
After having a quick catch up of what our days were like, Chantel glanced at me with that look she had whenever she knew something I did'nt.
"what is it?"
"what exactly happened with you and Ashley last night?"
"huh?"
*how does she know?
"Ashley's been telling everyone about you becoming a freak when he hooked up with you"
"What!!"
I yelled so loud the waitress passing us dropped a customers order. Apparently that "lil' punk, screaming like a bitch when he reaches" had told everyone that he called and I came running. He also informed people that I begged him to sleep with me! can you believe this shit!
After explaining what really happened, Chantel pointed out that I had two options either confront him and expose him for the lying rat he was or simply ignore it. But the more I thought about the situation the angrier I grew. I mean this was my reputation at stake. What was a girl to do?
- SistaLova
Rewinding the moments back to when I saw him earlier that day. He met me outside of my 2 p.m. chemistry lecture. At first I thought he was there waiting for someone else. I mean, he was one of the most "on point brothas" on campus and while I had my own selection of admirers, he was a cut above the rest. 6'3, a body carved straight out of the mold of an African warrior with skin as dark and edible as Godiva chocolates and the whitest teeth I think I'd ever seen on a human being...wow
and he was waiting there at the entrance of my class. For me.
"Hey Lauren," he said as I walked up to him.
"Hey Ashley," I replied using all the strength in my body to remain cool even though everything in me was shivering, right down to my liver.
"Can I walk you to your next class?"
*HELL YEAH!
"sure."
So we're walking and I'm looking at him on the sly, stealing pieces of his fine form to store away in my mind for those days when eye candy is lacking and I need a reminder of perfection.
I never imagined what would be happening roughly ten hours later.
we hadn't spoken much during the walk to class, mainly small talk about the weather and such. It was obvious to me that he was slightly challenged in the mental department. But eh, I was young and shallow and really didn't give a shit about his conversational skills. It was just nice being escorted across campus by one of the most sought after guys there. I was wearing him like a rapper wears ice around their neck, flaunting him in front of the females like he was ten carats. Just waiting for the girls to whisper among themselves about how big and flawless that diamond was on my arm.
Yeah, yeah...it was that ridiculous.
Anywhoo, after he walked me to my next class I didn't see him until later that evening. It was about 9 p.m and I was in my dorm room playing blackjack with the boys and the phone rang.
"Come, jam over at mine...i'll meet you downstairs to walk you over."
*Hmmm...I see, "jam" eh?
"O.K."
He had me pinned up against the wall and was kissing me like he had been locked up and hadnt seen a woman in years. The lighting was dim except for the lone street light casting a weak ray of light onto the space from about fifty yards away. His body was pushed up against mine. we were kissing feverishly, running our hands over each other like water, making sure to touch upon every inch of each other as we grasped, squeezed and caressed each other for what seemed like hours but was really only for a few minutes.
I heard a soft whimper, it sort of sounded like a wounded dog. My head was spinning and he wasn't letting me come up for air so I broke off the kiss with a gasp. I glanced up as his silhouette, wondering if that noise had come from him. But he simply showed me his perfect smile and said nothing.
We finally reached his dorm room and proceeded to undress each other, I heard the whimper again. It sounded like a dying dog or something, high and squeaky. Ashley's half dressed body started trembling around me, It scared the SHIT out of me. And unlike the first time this sound was LOUD, like it was a woman AND her dog getting stabbed multiple times. After a akward moment or two he whispered...
"sorry"
So Im staring at his 6'3, edible african warrior frame and wondering how he could sound like an elderly woman and her little poodle being chased by a killer when he "reaches" and how he managed to "reach" without anything happening. As we walked back to my dorm in complete silence I wonder if maybe I imagined it. Then I stole a look at him and saw his embarrassment and knew I hadn't. The next question in my mind was how exactly were we gonna act around each other.
uh, I found out the answer to that the next day.
So im in my last class of the day unable to concentrate as im still reflecting on last nights action or lack thereof. When my phone vibrates in my pocket...its a message from Chantel my longest and closet friend. Asking if we could meet up. I reply back telling her to meet me at The Set, our favourite spot. It had a cozy atmosphere, featured a mixture of different people and had great food. The perfect place to catch up on some girly gossip. Chantel knew everything about everybody and although she could use this to her advantage she didnt, it just was'nt in her to go behind peoples backs. I guess thats why we were so close I knew that she could always keep a secret.
After having a quick catch up of what our days were like, Chantel glanced at me with that look she had whenever she knew something I did'nt.
"what is it?"
"what exactly happened with you and Ashley last night?"
"huh?"
*how does she know?
"Ashley's been telling everyone about you becoming a freak when he hooked up with you"
"What!!"
I yelled so loud the waitress passing us dropped a customers order. Apparently that "lil' punk, screaming like a bitch when he reaches" had told everyone that he called and I came running. He also informed people that I begged him to sleep with me! can you believe this shit!
After explaining what really happened, Chantel pointed out that I had two options either confront him and expose him for the lying rat he was or simply ignore it. But the more I thought about the situation the angrier I grew. I mean this was my reputation at stake. What was a girl to do?
- SistaLova
Sunday, November 05, 2006
A Letter to You...
Men are so immature, NO for real! I can't believe I swooned over this guy, pictured a future with him and now this guy won't even talk to me. See... it's for this reason that I don't find fault with lesbians. Yes, I know, I don't support it but I can understand why a perfectly beautiful woman would choose to fall in the arms of a heavy set, well built woman than the defined arms of a man.
My theory of older guys not being as much hassle as younger guys has since been thrown out the window. A good 4 yrs older than me but I feel like I'm dealing with someone with the same mindset as those HYPE boys I once knew in college. The trend nowadays is the 'younger' guy and having previously touched on this subject I came to the conclusion that I couldn't do it but recent events have made me feel a lot differently specially since one of my younger cousin's friedns is totally cute, (so many candidates) - just not sure of their young feeble minds. But at this point talking to them seems more productive than talking to HIM.
Argh, he gets me so riled up sometimes 'cos I wasted valuable time thinking about our prospects, seeking advice from others about what I should do. I shoulda known when my best friend said, 'he's a wasteman' to stay clear. And don't start getting judgemental, my 'b.f.' says everyone is a wasteman, he doesn't want me to be with anyone, just as a father or brother doesnt want their female relative to come across the opposite sex in fear of all the things they did to other girls coming back to them indirectly with the mistreatment of their 'girl'. It's all irony anyway, 'what goes around comes around.'
So I haven't spoken to this fool for 2 weeks now, and yes I'm pissed, I have a reason to be angry. You know what it feels like, it feels like that friend you used to ALWAYS defend when people used to bitch about her but then ends up turning against you with the rest of your clique.
It feels exactly like that, it feels like 'why the hell did I speak to you in the first place, why on God's green earth did I think we could be friends, why... even after my 'b.f.' had died you down (dismissed your existence) I decided to relate to you anyway.'
For you to f***ing do this and go on like I did you something. If anything, there's no reason why you shouldn't be talking to me. You know what, you're DUMB! You're actually an IDIOT, and I hope you read this. Do you know how I worked my butt off calling round, making sure everything was set for your event, taking time out of my learning schedule to help your sorry arse. I didn't ask you to come to my uni, HELL why did you come?
All I know is, I've been distressed, distraught because I was upset about you not talking to me. I actually felt upset, that's just the 'kindness' in me, I won't ever make that mistake again.
I hadn't seen or spoken to you for years before we bumped into each other again so it doesn't really pay no importance to me if that night I saw you was the last time for the rest of my life. Feed off that MORON!
Why couldn't you voice what was bothering you? Why couldn't you show me that you weren't happy about what happened. I mean even I wasn't happy. But there you were tryna act like a HARD man, when you know the fact that the event didn't turn out the way you planned it BURNT you. It even BURNT ME, but you're gonna try and lay blame on me and you don't even have the decency to tell me that's the way you feel. You can pretend like thats not what is going on, but as I always say 'mama didn't raise no fool', from 10+ calls every evening discussing the event and everything else to 0 calls the night of the event, for 2 weeks now. Nah, I'm not stupid.
But anyway go on with your bad self, I realise that you didn't really know me, 'cos if you did you would know crying, sulking, tantrums don't make me sympathise with you. Coming to me as a bigger person and telling me what's going on in your head makes me respect you. More fool you if you think after writing this I'm gonna acknowledge you, you don't exist to me no more.
Have a nice life.
- Gabrielle
I know it's heated readers but this was holding me back from being myself, I just needed to let this steam off, I was acting 'too cool for school', letting all this mess get to me. Never again.
Readers, I'm back. And if I ever, ever try to go soft on you guys again, let me know, it's time I turned the tables... for every person that upset you, ever made you feel like you were lower than them, just ever made you start tripping... well, this letter goes out to them.
Kiss my fabulous arse 'cos you are NEVER going to make me feel like that again.
UPDATE
I wrote this and spoke to him like 2 days after, HE was going on like nothing happened, when I know it did. I wasn't even going to publish this post because infact I did speak to him, and that would contradict everything I wrote in the letter, but I've decided to post it because despite the fact that we spoke, we're still not cool and that letter allowed me to vent, I didn't know I was this angry 'til I read the letter back. NOW... I'm not angry anymore, it's just one of those things... this will be a lesson to me though.
My kindness will be taken for weakness, that's life - there's nothing I can do about it. Just because of this one incident I can't stop being nice, one day someone is really going to need it, and they will appreciate it, so until then imma have to keep being nice... as I said 'its just one of those things.'
My theory of older guys not being as much hassle as younger guys has since been thrown out the window. A good 4 yrs older than me but I feel like I'm dealing with someone with the same mindset as those HYPE boys I once knew in college. The trend nowadays is the 'younger' guy and having previously touched on this subject I came to the conclusion that I couldn't do it but recent events have made me feel a lot differently specially since one of my younger cousin's friedns is totally cute, (so many candidates) - just not sure of their young feeble minds. But at this point talking to them seems more productive than talking to HIM.
Argh, he gets me so riled up sometimes 'cos I wasted valuable time thinking about our prospects, seeking advice from others about what I should do. I shoulda known when my best friend said, 'he's a wasteman' to stay clear. And don't start getting judgemental, my 'b.f.' says everyone is a wasteman, he doesn't want me to be with anyone, just as a father or brother doesnt want their female relative to come across the opposite sex in fear of all the things they did to other girls coming back to them indirectly with the mistreatment of their 'girl'. It's all irony anyway, 'what goes around comes around.'
So I haven't spoken to this fool for 2 weeks now, and yes I'm pissed, I have a reason to be angry. You know what it feels like, it feels like that friend you used to ALWAYS defend when people used to bitch about her but then ends up turning against you with the rest of your clique.
It feels exactly like that, it feels like 'why the hell did I speak to you in the first place, why on God's green earth did I think we could be friends, why... even after my 'b.f.' had died you down (dismissed your existence) I decided to relate to you anyway.'
For you to f***ing do this and go on like I did you something. If anything, there's no reason why you shouldn't be talking to me. You know what, you're DUMB! You're actually an IDIOT, and I hope you read this. Do you know how I worked my butt off calling round, making sure everything was set for your event, taking time out of my learning schedule to help your sorry arse. I didn't ask you to come to my uni, HELL why did you come?
All I know is, I've been distressed, distraught because I was upset about you not talking to me. I actually felt upset, that's just the 'kindness' in me, I won't ever make that mistake again.
I hadn't seen or spoken to you for years before we bumped into each other again so it doesn't really pay no importance to me if that night I saw you was the last time for the rest of my life. Feed off that MORON!
Why couldn't you voice what was bothering you? Why couldn't you show me that you weren't happy about what happened. I mean even I wasn't happy. But there you were tryna act like a HARD man, when you know the fact that the event didn't turn out the way you planned it BURNT you. It even BURNT ME, but you're gonna try and lay blame on me and you don't even have the decency to tell me that's the way you feel. You can pretend like thats not what is going on, but as I always say 'mama didn't raise no fool', from 10+ calls every evening discussing the event and everything else to 0 calls the night of the event, for 2 weeks now. Nah, I'm not stupid.
But anyway go on with your bad self, I realise that you didn't really know me, 'cos if you did you would know crying, sulking, tantrums don't make me sympathise with you. Coming to me as a bigger person and telling me what's going on in your head makes me respect you. More fool you if you think after writing this I'm gonna acknowledge you, you don't exist to me no more.
Have a nice life.
- Gabrielle
I know it's heated readers but this was holding me back from being myself, I just needed to let this steam off, I was acting 'too cool for school', letting all this mess get to me. Never again.
Readers, I'm back. And if I ever, ever try to go soft on you guys again, let me know, it's time I turned the tables... for every person that upset you, ever made you feel like you were lower than them, just ever made you start tripping... well, this letter goes out to them.
Kiss my fabulous arse 'cos you are NEVER going to make me feel like that again.
UPDATE
I wrote this and spoke to him like 2 days after, HE was going on like nothing happened, when I know it did. I wasn't even going to publish this post because infact I did speak to him, and that would contradict everything I wrote in the letter, but I've decided to post it because despite the fact that we spoke, we're still not cool and that letter allowed me to vent, I didn't know I was this angry 'til I read the letter back. NOW... I'm not angry anymore, it's just one of those things... this will be a lesson to me though.
My kindness will be taken for weakness, that's life - there's nothing I can do about it. Just because of this one incident I can't stop being nice, one day someone is really going to need it, and they will appreciate it, so until then imma have to keep being nice... as I said 'its just one of those things.'
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