Will You Marry Me?

“Will you marry me?” those words echo through my ear…is it me or is it getting hotter? I really want to answer him, but the words aren’t coming out, I’m really trying to say ‘yes’, but the more I try the more it gets harder to even utter a word. He’s been waiting for so long.... and before I know it... he’s gone. Got up and walked out on me. I guess he was tired of waiting.

And that’s when I wake up. That dream has been the same for the past week and frankly I’m starting to get scared. I really don’t understand why I’m having this dream now. I’m not seeing anybody…I’m VERY single! But as all those questions trouble me, one question that remains unanswered is why I can’t say ‘yes’.

The dream is unclear in the sense that I can’t see who the guy is but the feeling is that he’s my perfect guy. So all negatives aside, why can’t I accept his proposal. Why does it take me so long to comprehend what’s going on? Why do I feel so threatened by this dream?

I’m threatened because I just realised that my actions have repercussions. You ever heard, ‘what goes around comes around’, yeah well I believe that and in so much as I don’t think I’ve purposefully set out to break hearts, I think I’ve trampled on a few. Do you think it’ll come back to me in that way? I mean picture me… Gabrielle, finally finding someone I truly love, someone that I’ll give my heart to gladly, only to have MY HEART broken in the same way as I had done to others. That would be a worst case scenario wouldn’t it? But I’ve seen it happen. And love is not a respecter of person, so whether I like it or not, that ‘love bug’ is going to bite. What I am waiting for though is whether it bites me back... hard.

All those questions and no answers… I still don’t understand why I don’t say ‘yes’ in that dream, I mean I love all that sugary stuff… despite my harsh perception on ‘love’, I can’t wait to have my own happy ending. I’ve watched Best Man, Brown Sugar, Love and Basketball, Friday…ok maybe not Friday but you get my drift. I’ve fallen in love with ‘happy endings’ but it didn’t seem like that in the dream. I hesitated for so long you would’ve thought I had amnesia or something. The guy in my dream was waiting for what seemed like ‘years’ for my answer. And I was yet to give it to him before he walked off. What does that mean? Does it mean I’m afraid of commitment, does it mean that I’ll let the greatest thing that could ever happen to me just walk off, like the guy in my dream? What does it mean?

I’m trying to understand, I’m really trying to make my dream make sense and to no avail. The only thing I got from all this thinking was a headache…a really bad one at that which reminds me I think I need to get my glasses now…two years without wearing them isn’t good. No one wants to be wearing thick, like super thick lenses at the age of twenty; I am too cute for that.

- Gabrielle